What’s most frustrating about all of this, is that I cannot seem to get any help to the root problem of it all. There are so many problems that I have, that are seemingly run-offs of my disorders that I can’t help but believe most of the time block normality, or good things from my path. For instances, I have had problems with my weight, since I could first start to worry… and because of my anxiety problems, and my mind constantly on overload, I could not sleep well, think well, etc.. So I woke up everyday, tired, and fatigued, and I started craving sugar like crazy… the doctors said it was my body’s quick source to energy, but this unhealthy eating eventually led to a constantly fluctuating weight… and this to major insecurity. I hate my body, and I don’t feel like others would pick me out of a crowd, as a beautiful woman… and that hurts… Anyways, I have just since come to face the fact that perhaps my eating habits, and such were caused by other things, rather then lack of will power or control…
All my life, there were things that I could not control… I couldn’t help, and habits that came out of nowhere that I couldn’t break; and most were small enough to be disregarded, and yet large enough to have a lasting effect, because everyone around me labeled me, from what they saw on the outside, instead of what was in my heart. Ya I’m fatter then I should be, but I’m not an animal. There is consistently an organized messed around me, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my act together… Its hard not to believe lies about yourself when the whole world is speaking them into you, and change doesn’t seem to be in reach.
The wall I keep hitting against though, hope that somewhere, someday a brick will come loose on that wall, is finding freedom in Christ. I feel like my disorders hold me back from reaching my full potential, because no matter what prayers are said, or books that are read, nothing can seem to help me break that chain, and I don’t know what God is doing. I always run into little spurts of hope, but no break throughs’, and even if something is learning, the chain always pulls me back into the hole I just climbed out of.
