Today, I woke up, as a Biola Undergrad student for the last time, and I am now preparing to go to sleep as a Biola Alumn. It is so weird and bit surreal, how a chapter can just come to an end so quickly, while another begins simultaneously. I am so excited to have my Bachelors finally, and I feel so empowered with it now behind me, but at the same time, leaving the life I knew for the past five years, is probably the most difficult part of it all. I am sad, and still coming to terms with it all.
My time at Biola, has been both rough and rewarding. I was exposed to both hypocritical people, as well as the extremely genuine, and I was deeply hurt by some, and healed by the words and actions of others. I met so many wonderful people, staff, faculty, students, and workers alike, and their love and support has meant so much to me over the past years here.
I have learned so much more about myself, as well as my family,friends, and the world around me.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Sunday, March 14, 2010
To the men reading this… I do not intend this to be a rant and/or a tearing down of your own masculinity, and I most certainly do not hate or have no faith in the male population. This is just me expressing my general frustrations with the subject.
------
I am so frustrated with the lack of male involvement within the Social Systems, and social justice arena. Where are the men and where is their heart for mankind? Working with sexual assault victims, more and more men are coming out with their pain and stories of abuse, molestation, etc., and they come looking for help and light and love. So they come to places like the YWCA, and end up crying in and entrusting their fears and pains, essentially in the arms of the strong and brave women there, trained to handle such dealing. And after facing the pain, and bandaging up the wounds they came in with, counselors are then left with the dilemma, of what now? Where do we refer these young men to, to continue to grow as men? Who is out there that can come alongside them to truly and honestly help them to continue to grow as men…? Because when push comes to shove, we must face the reality that men are better equipped to help other men recover and grow, though they are by no means the only ones with the ability to help mend these broken hearts. But still, out of a class of 20 training to become sexual assault crisis counselors, or at the least more proficient and knowledgeable in such a field, only one was a man. ONE, and he came as a counselor that works daily with perpetrators, who wanted to getting training from the other side. I also recall, very distinctly, one other man coming in to interview with me to qualify for the training, once figuring out that this was training to working with sexual assault victims, standing up and simply bolted out the door, and never turned back. Similarly, even of the hundreds + sites and social service referrals that deal with issues of victimization and abuse, only a handful are equipped to handle men.
There are so little men working as probation officers, as counselors, as social workers, etc., although when it comes to more administrative positions, or even pastoral positions in the social and ministerial fields, men by far outnumber women. Men are the ones that mostly fill our bible programs with such high dreams and aspirations of one day leading and building churches everywhere in the world…. But what their efforts will most likely produce just another worthless system and/or building bent on filling nothing but fulfilling their own personal agendas to save the world. And every time, I can’t help but truly wonder, how the hell are you expecting to lead a congregation/group/system, to its full and needed potential, when you have never even truly faced, or listened to, for that matter, the daily pains, questions, and anger that so many you will expect to follow you in admiration and obedience face. So when some suggest that I refer them to local pastors or church elders, my hearts cringes at the thought… they are usually the ones that end up inflicting the most damage on these already broken men, and mostly out of their general ignorance and lack of training in the field. Even if they have their own personal stories and experiences of pain to parallel the stories of those they are intending to counsel.
Then, to top it off, when we, as women, ask for a man’s help to better understand what is going through the heart of these hurting men, men are often are quick to simply point out that we are females and therefore cannot help these men, and then just refuse to go any farther. Leaving us simply dumbfounded, simply wondering, “no crap we are women, why do you think we would try to ask you for help? Because still, the men here are obviously not finding any help or refuge in you.”
On the flip side, there are many God-fearing men who have dedicated their lives to this work, and have such a big impact on the lives of both men and women, young and old. They are so appreciated, and do so much for this field, and their pure and humble hearts, though by no means perfect (as the rest of us ), are so inspiring, and just bring so much hope. I know for me at least, that even that one man in the group of 20 counselors in training, stepping out in courage and with compassion, really kept my mind from wandering into the realm of hopelessness of not only being a woman facing the reality of victimization, mostly at the hands of men, but also for the men out there lost in such a dark wilderness. There is hope and there are those who are willing to step up, but where is their help?
Personally, this has really hurt me, and just really breaks my heart, as more and more men come to me, and come out to the crisis center, and there are very few places or people that I/we can refer them to… And ultimately, I am just tired and hurt for these men who are reaching out for help, and are having such a rough time finding it. But at the same time, I am so thankful for the men that have stepped out, and stepped up to help these men find healing. Even for those that have listened and prayed with me, and supported counselors working hands on in this field… for me, they have been a true and valid model of what an honorable man is meant to be like, even if they themselves are broken.
I don’t even know where this rant will lead, if writing it helped me get anywhere, but I am just going to continue to pray on this subject, and hope that thibs will change.
* Most recently an assault crisis center led me to two awesome websites that are specifically targeted at issues of Sexual abuse/Abuse and men:
- www.mystrength.org
- www.mencanstoprape.com
If you get a chance, you should check it out.
------
I am so frustrated with the lack of male involvement within the Social Systems, and social justice arena. Where are the men and where is their heart for mankind? Working with sexual assault victims, more and more men are coming out with their pain and stories of abuse, molestation, etc., and they come looking for help and light and love. So they come to places like the YWCA, and end up crying in and entrusting their fears and pains, essentially in the arms of the strong and brave women there, trained to handle such dealing. And after facing the pain, and bandaging up the wounds they came in with, counselors are then left with the dilemma, of what now? Where do we refer these young men to, to continue to grow as men? Who is out there that can come alongside them to truly and honestly help them to continue to grow as men…? Because when push comes to shove, we must face the reality that men are better equipped to help other men recover and grow, though they are by no means the only ones with the ability to help mend these broken hearts. But still, out of a class of 20 training to become sexual assault crisis counselors, or at the least more proficient and knowledgeable in such a field, only one was a man. ONE, and he came as a counselor that works daily with perpetrators, who wanted to getting training from the other side. I also recall, very distinctly, one other man coming in to interview with me to qualify for the training, once figuring out that this was training to working with sexual assault victims, standing up and simply bolted out the door, and never turned back. Similarly, even of the hundreds + sites and social service referrals that deal with issues of victimization and abuse, only a handful are equipped to handle men.
There are so little men working as probation officers, as counselors, as social workers, etc., although when it comes to more administrative positions, or even pastoral positions in the social and ministerial fields, men by far outnumber women. Men are the ones that mostly fill our bible programs with such high dreams and aspirations of one day leading and building churches everywhere in the world…. But what their efforts will most likely produce just another worthless system and/or building bent on filling nothing but fulfilling their own personal agendas to save the world. And every time, I can’t help but truly wonder, how the hell are you expecting to lead a congregation/group/system, to its full and needed potential, when you have never even truly faced, or listened to, for that matter, the daily pains, questions, and anger that so many you will expect to follow you in admiration and obedience face. So when some suggest that I refer them to local pastors or church elders, my hearts cringes at the thought… they are usually the ones that end up inflicting the most damage on these already broken men, and mostly out of their general ignorance and lack of training in the field. Even if they have their own personal stories and experiences of pain to parallel the stories of those they are intending to counsel.
Then, to top it off, when we, as women, ask for a man’s help to better understand what is going through the heart of these hurting men, men are often are quick to simply point out that we are females and therefore cannot help these men, and then just refuse to go any farther. Leaving us simply dumbfounded, simply wondering, “no crap we are women, why do you think we would try to ask you for help? Because still, the men here are obviously not finding any help or refuge in you.”
On the flip side, there are many God-fearing men who have dedicated their lives to this work, and have such a big impact on the lives of both men and women, young and old. They are so appreciated, and do so much for this field, and their pure and humble hearts, though by no means perfect (as the rest of us ), are so inspiring, and just bring so much hope. I know for me at least, that even that one man in the group of 20 counselors in training, stepping out in courage and with compassion, really kept my mind from wandering into the realm of hopelessness of not only being a woman facing the reality of victimization, mostly at the hands of men, but also for the men out there lost in such a dark wilderness. There is hope and there are those who are willing to step up, but where is their help?
Personally, this has really hurt me, and just really breaks my heart, as more and more men come to me, and come out to the crisis center, and there are very few places or people that I/we can refer them to… And ultimately, I am just tired and hurt for these men who are reaching out for help, and are having such a rough time finding it. But at the same time, I am so thankful for the men that have stepped out, and stepped up to help these men find healing. Even for those that have listened and prayed with me, and supported counselors working hands on in this field… for me, they have been a true and valid model of what an honorable man is meant to be like, even if they themselves are broken.
I don’t even know where this rant will lead, if writing it helped me get anywhere, but I am just going to continue to pray on this subject, and hope that thibs will change.
* Most recently an assault crisis center led me to two awesome websites that are specifically targeted at issues of Sexual abuse/Abuse and men:
- www.mystrength.org
- www.mencanstoprape.com
If you get a chance, you should check it out.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I Hope You Dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance...
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance...
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)
"Phenomenal Woman"
PHENOMENAL WOMANby Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need of my care. '
Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need of my care. '
Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
In response
In response - redone
Sam Harris said in his book Letter to A Christian Nation: "One of the most pernicious effects of religion is that it tends to divorce morality from the reality of human and animal suffering. Religion allows people to imagine that their concerns are moral when they are not – that is, when they have nothing to do with suffering or its alleviation…. This explains why Christians like yourself expend "moral" energy opposing abortion than fighting genocide." (25)
This statement missed a large part of the Christian reality, but yet sadly hit a major part of it at the same time. I believe that Harris is trying to point out the hypocrisy that plays out everyday in the Christian Church, but at the same time, he misses so much, that it becomes an unfair statement, and even hypocritical.... Hypocritical because he is generalizing the problems in a Christian community as an overall effect of religion, and then criticizes Christians for labeling all atheist as evil by generalizing the problems in an atheistic community and seeing it as an overall effect of atheism. The logic doesn't run through, and it seems as if he is just fighting fire with fire.It just doesn't work, and this statement, and those that followed, fall through because of this.
Personally I can list over one hundred organizations that are Christian based, and focus on relieving human suffering on so many different levels. Some are international, and others simply in the community, but they are there. Many Christians have felt the pain that other people have felt as well, and as a result of their finding of life in their religion, most want to step out and help those that are in the situations that they were lucky enough to make it out of.
On the other hand, there have been plenty of times where Christians, instead of loving, and doing good, brought out judgment and further hurt those that have been hurt, and I am sorry for that. Personally have been hurt many times by Christians, and have seen firsthand the hypocrisy in the church, and have even been attacked straight on by such, and not in a way that was superficial.
I see where one could start such an argument, and as a Christian it hurts me so much to see this continue with other people, but I have to say, that this response is not a merited one. Even in Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, he tells a people who have been abused for hundreds of years, that in these times of fighting for freedom, "we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred." It is true that many Christians get hung up on their own "righteousness", but atheist also get hung up on their own "correctness," so I think it is fair to say that this is a human problem rather than a Christian one..
-Romans 12:9-10 –"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."
See, people like Sam Harris are starting to wage war on Christianity, in a way that is truly terrible. Attacks are coming from all sides, and some I believe are truly our fault. Like I said above, I know the hypocrisy that lays within the church. I know people who sought a place to be accepted, and instead were rejected, but that is not the core of Christianity, at all. That is humanity.
Talking to a man named Mike, who was gay for 13 years, and turned to religion (10 years ago), he told of how the church had a tendency to put both hands up, and just say, "No brother, you're wrong." The gay community then had a tendency to put both hands out, and accept you for what you are. But when he finally came to know the Jesus that we all claim to follow whole-heartedly, he found a Jesus that had one hand up, and one hand out. Saying, what you are doing is not good, but I love you beyond that.
"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?""No one sir" she said"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
So in response to the attacks, I encourage you to take a look at the core of Christianity, and not just those who have screwed up. You might find something very real.
-----------------------
And for the Christians who read this do read this, and wish to respond. I encourage those who read this to not just read this and just want to fight back, but to read this, think about it, reason against it by all means, and then love back. Atheist, like Harris, say the things that they say for a reason. What that reason is, it is clearly different for every person, but it is not just some random thought that they just came up with one day. Sometimes there is a sense of hypocrisy on our part, and for others it is a struggle that is taking place in their own hearts, but remember that we also struggle with that just the same. "For Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." (1 Corinthians 8:1) I know that it is a battle, and as Harris states in the intro, "if one of us is right, the other is wrong… one side is really going to win this argument, and the other side is really going to lose," (5) but we do not have to play the same game. We are called to be separate from the world, and our battles are not of flesh and blood, but are spiritual indeed (Eph. 6:12). So, as we build in knowledge, don't let that knowledge become the weapon you wield to cut them right through their heart, but as a defense, and support for why you believe what you believe.
Thank you.
Sam Harris said in his book Letter to A Christian Nation: "One of the most pernicious effects of religion is that it tends to divorce morality from the reality of human and animal suffering. Religion allows people to imagine that their concerns are moral when they are not – that is, when they have nothing to do with suffering or its alleviation…. This explains why Christians like yourself expend "moral" energy opposing abortion than fighting genocide." (25)
This statement missed a large part of the Christian reality, but yet sadly hit a major part of it at the same time. I believe that Harris is trying to point out the hypocrisy that plays out everyday in the Christian Church, but at the same time, he misses so much, that it becomes an unfair statement, and even hypocritical.... Hypocritical because he is generalizing the problems in a Christian community as an overall effect of religion, and then criticizes Christians for labeling all atheist as evil by generalizing the problems in an atheistic community and seeing it as an overall effect of atheism. The logic doesn't run through, and it seems as if he is just fighting fire with fire.It just doesn't work, and this statement, and those that followed, fall through because of this.
Personally I can list over one hundred organizations that are Christian based, and focus on relieving human suffering on so many different levels. Some are international, and others simply in the community, but they are there. Many Christians have felt the pain that other people have felt as well, and as a result of their finding of life in their religion, most want to step out and help those that are in the situations that they were lucky enough to make it out of.
On the other hand, there have been plenty of times where Christians, instead of loving, and doing good, brought out judgment and further hurt those that have been hurt, and I am sorry for that. Personally have been hurt many times by Christians, and have seen firsthand the hypocrisy in the church, and have even been attacked straight on by such, and not in a way that was superficial.
I see where one could start such an argument, and as a Christian it hurts me so much to see this continue with other people, but I have to say, that this response is not a merited one. Even in Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, he tells a people who have been abused for hundreds of years, that in these times of fighting for freedom, "we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred." It is true that many Christians get hung up on their own "righteousness", but atheist also get hung up on their own "correctness," so I think it is fair to say that this is a human problem rather than a Christian one..
-Romans 12:9-10 –"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."
See, people like Sam Harris are starting to wage war on Christianity, in a way that is truly terrible. Attacks are coming from all sides, and some I believe are truly our fault. Like I said above, I know the hypocrisy that lays within the church. I know people who sought a place to be accepted, and instead were rejected, but that is not the core of Christianity, at all. That is humanity.
Talking to a man named Mike, who was gay for 13 years, and turned to religion (10 years ago), he told of how the church had a tendency to put both hands up, and just say, "No brother, you're wrong." The gay community then had a tendency to put both hands out, and accept you for what you are. But when he finally came to know the Jesus that we all claim to follow whole-heartedly, he found a Jesus that had one hand up, and one hand out. Saying, what you are doing is not good, but I love you beyond that.
Did you know that Jesus ate with those that were in sin, and therefore unclean? Did you know that when a prostitute was brought to jesus, and brought to be judged for her sin, after Jesus gave the famous line, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...", those who accused her left, and the following took place:
"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?""No one sir" she said"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
John 8
So in response to the attacks, I encourage you to take a look at the core of Christianity, and not just those who have screwed up. You might find something very real.
-----------------------
And for the Christians who read this do read this, and wish to respond. I encourage those who read this to not just read this and just want to fight back, but to read this, think about it, reason against it by all means, and then love back. Atheist, like Harris, say the things that they say for a reason. What that reason is, it is clearly different for every person, but it is not just some random thought that they just came up with one day. Sometimes there is a sense of hypocrisy on our part, and for others it is a struggle that is taking place in their own hearts, but remember that we also struggle with that just the same. "For Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." (1 Corinthians 8:1) I know that it is a battle, and as Harris states in the intro, "if one of us is right, the other is wrong… one side is really going to win this argument, and the other side is really going to lose," (5) but we do not have to play the same game. We are called to be separate from the world, and our battles are not of flesh and blood, but are spiritual indeed (Eph. 6:12). So, as we build in knowledge, don't let that knowledge become the weapon you wield to cut them right through their heart, but as a defense, and support for why you believe what you believe.
Thank you.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Daughter of Jehova
I am a woman of God
Child of the most high
A prophet and a teacher
Child of the most high
A prophet and a teacher
A minister and a leader
Sanctified by the the fire
And washed by the water
Filled by the Spirit
Sanctified by the the fire
And washed by the water
Filled by the Spirit
And loved by the Lord
I am a woman of God
Created in the image of the Lord
Seen as beautiful
And perfect in imperfection
Faulty, but made right
Sinful, but made righteous
Once scorned, but now embraced
Once lost, but now found
I am a woman of God
To be respected
To be honored
To be loved
To be built up
And to be seen as the daughter
Of the most high God
Chosen by El Shaddai
Redeemed by Jesus Christ
And led by the Holy Spirit
Forgiven and set free
No longer bound by sin
Or tied to this world...
I am a woman of God...
Loved by the creator,
Cared for by the shepherd,
Wonderfully and fearfully made,
And adopted into the Kingdom of God.
Loved by the creator,
Cared for by the shepherd,
Wonderfully and fearfully made,
And adopted into the Kingdom of God.
And sister, you are too.
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